I am also having a hard time balancing my time. Between the kitchen makeover and daily living, it has been hard to justify spending time in front of a screen vs.being mom. I've never been a mother before and some days I don't have the slightest idea what I'm doing. I feel the most confident parenting my youngest, because I have two older children. But, I have had a hard time with my oldest. Poor guy, he is like a guinea pig for my parenting skills. I have wonderful intentions, but sometimes I look back and think I made some mistakes. Then, my middle child, he has thrown me for a loop in all aspects of parenting. I want to be able to look back and feel like I did the best I could. But sometimes I feel like I am constantly failing.
Some days, I feel like I'm not playing enough OR I'm playing TOO MUCH. I feel like I'm babying them OR I'm being to STRICT. The fact is I don't know what is the right or wrong way to parent. I make mistakes, I lose my cool, I say and do the wrong things sometimes, but it is not because I don't love my little dears, in fact it's the opposite. I love them so much, that I can't bear to watch them fail or hurt, I can't bear to see them not to live up to their full potential. I know I do a lot of things right too, but I am my own worst critic.
I only have 18 years with them under my roof to mold and shape their precious hearts, but sometimes it's so hard. I have the best intentions, but it can get overwhelming. It doesn't help that we have no extended family around. Unless we pay for a sitter, our kids are with us. Even when they are at school, I feel like I need to volunteer in their classrooms or meet them for lunch. I very rarely get any time away from being "Mom" and my kids don't get the break from being around mom and dad.
I think that is my biggest problem. Many families have extended family support, while we have the support via phone calls, it is 750 miles away. This has been our choice, to live away from family, my husbands career path has led us away and it is all we know. No dropping off kids at Grandma's so I can get a haircut, or go to the store. No kid free weekends. No Sunday family dinners, or get together's with cousins. If I'm sick I have no mom to call and ask for help. I can probably count on my hands the number of times I have had my kids sleep over at someone else's house. The fact is, my hubby and I are doing this parenting gig, pretty much on our own and it is very difficult. Some days, I feel like I'm doing things right, some days I feel overwhelmed.
Moving around has been hard too, having to establish new relationships and compete with friendships that have been solid since preschool can be exhausting. It is even harder since the boys are in school all day and I rarely have the opportunity to meet the parents.
Growing up, both my husband and I lived in the same small town our whole life. Everyone knew everyone, my mother-in-law was even my 4th grade teacher. My husband's and I's perception of what normal is, is greatly askewed from what our reality is. (by the way goggle the word and askew and see what happened to your computer screen)
When I was little, I was blessed to have all my cousins (minus 1) live in the same town. Family get togethers were frequent and my grandparents lived in walking distance. Extended family was very much a part of my upbringing. My parents frequently went out of town and I happily stayed at my aunt and uncles. I looked forward to that fun time with my cousins and the break from the daily grind at my house.
My hubby and I are trying to fill the roles of aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins. While we see these fabulous relatives several times a year, that is considerably less then how we both grew up, and it can take its toll on you.
So i'm looking for answers from my lovely readers today. Do you live away from family? What do you do for support?
As you know we lived away from family for the first 7 years of our children's life. I found it both a blessing and a curse. A blessing as in my marriage really grew stronger and we were able to establish how our family would run without any unnecessary advice from family. A curse as you know it was hard to raise twins without a break or the support that family close could have given us. We really should have gotten over the "guilt" of having a sitter or someone else help us or watch our kids. That is the one thing I really struggled with since I thought that taking care of the children was MY job, and I really didn't realize how important taking time for myself was. I must say since we've moved back to WI, it has been nice to have the family support near us. We have been able to finally get those breaks that we've really needed when Grandpa and Grandma take the kids for the weekend and they get to make priceless memories with the kids.
ReplyDeleteYes, I definitely have a guilt thing about asking for help. Especially, when asking friends to help out if I can't find a babysitter. But, since the kids are older, I have had more time to myself and feel like a much better mother. I wish I would have not felt guilty doing that when they were little.
DeleteI'm right there with you Kate! I have been struggling with my oldest as well. I was given some great parenting advice at my womens bible study and my great friend Lori told me "you can't take it personally". When Hannah acts out its not an attack on my parenting or me as a mom. Its simply her trying to find her independence, see how far she can push or just being 7 years old. Growing up my extended family lived 18 hours away so there were no playdates with cousins or sleepovers at grandma's house. We relyed on friends and a small community to fill the void (and that was extremely difficult in Carthage). Now that I have a family of my own I am blessed that my girls are able to grow up in a community that is amazing and embraces everyone and extended family is only a few hours away. The biggest blessing living away from family support is that it shows us how much we depend on our heavenly Father. We look to Him for wisdom, to vent our frustrations, guidance, a shoulder to cry on and acceptance. I am also blessed to have an amazing husband and we have found the best group of friends. I struggle with doing more at the girls' schools and/or in the community. I see other moms who seem to 'do it all' and look great everyday. I wear gym clothes, hair in ponytail, no makeup and did I brush my teeth this morning? I let my kids watch too much tv, I'm on the internet too much, I don't always have a home cooked meal ready when my man gets home, I let the dishes pile up, I ignore the pile of laundry on the couch, my toenail polish is chipped, I don't play with my youngest like I played with my oldest at her age, I'm too hard on my oldest and the list goes on and on. But if I listen closely, God's telling me how much I'm loved and I'm perfect in His sight. So yes, we are too hard on ourselves as moms, whether working moms/single moms/sahm - we feel guilt. BUT God gave us the Holy Spirit - so we could breath the spirit in and let it cleanse the negativity and fill us with hope, joy and peace. You are not alone in these feelings Kate and I hope I've helped you feel better. Love and hugs!!!!
ReplyDeleteI love your words of wisdom, about not taking it personally. I very much struggle to do that. I think being a stay at home mom, its hard not too. But you are absolutely right, I have learned to depend on God, to help guide me. I see those moms too, that look totally put together at 8am and I don't think they really do it all. They probably are lacking in some area, but it is hard to not compare to them. Thanks for your sweet words.
DeleteI feel your pain Kate! Sometimes I have the tendency to get jealous of my friends that live by their families. I can't imagine what it would be like to drop the kids off when I have a hair or dr appointment or better yet the weekend :). Even worse though, I hate that my parents & in laws can't see my kids participate in sporting events or watch them sing at their schools program or just have them over for dinner just because. You are right, moving is so hard & so exhausting but for some reason God has us on our paths. Keep doing what you are doing. You are a wonderful mom!!!! Don't forget to take some time out for you by yourself and as a couple. I know that is easier said than done. Finding friends with similar circumstances can be helpful. You have someone to talk to that understands what you are going through and maybe can trade off kids in a while. Sometimes it means asking for help ( & i am so bad at that one!!!!). You helped me out in a pinch several times in Clinton & I hope you know I appreciated it a lot!
ReplyDeleteI have no doubt you are a fabulous mama, Kate! You know I struggle with this. We lived close to family for the first 9 years of our marriage...living so far has been a HARD adjustment. We were trying to get closer to home, but nothing was working, so we're working on just settling down here and hoping that visits/new routines/new traditions emerge. I miss going on dates and not worrying about who my kids were with. I hate looking for a good sitter. Ugh! I feel your pain, love. Maybe with spring, things will look up. :)
ReplyDeleteI think establishing new traditions is very important and one of the areas I work hardest to do. Sometimes it's just me feeling like my kids are missing out and I forget, they don't know any different. Thanks for commenting.
DeleteI so sympathize with your situation! We are in the same boat, and it's not easy. I would love to enjoy those frequent family gatherings or to be able to get away for a quick date while the kids are with grandparents. I grew up with lots of close extended family around and so did my husband. For the last 9 years we have lived 3 hours from our family. At first it was nice to have the freedom and anonymity of a new place, but I think the drawbacks have become more apparent over time. We make the best of it by visiting frequently but it's not the same. Just know that it gets easier as your kids get older. Before we know it they will be the age where they can be left alone on date night! ;-)
ReplyDeleteYes, I forget, there will actually be a day, when we won't have to have a sitter. Boy, will that be nice!!
DeleteI can totally understand everything in this post. First, I think the fact that you worry and question your parenting just proves what a good and caring mother you are. I think we all feel the same way...or at least I can tell you I feel that way too.
ReplyDeleteSecond, until this past fall I lived far away from family too. I became a mother living very far away from my family and then raised and grew the family for the next 5 years still living far away. It was hard. I was jealous of those who could rely on their families. I found an independence of not needing anyone to help in anyway, but that comes with the price of having any time away for myself. Because it wasn't something I could change, I tried to look on the bright side of things--like the fact that I was always with my children and involved. I never did find any support while we lived far away.
This fall we moved back up near family. We are about 1 hour away from my parents. I never want to leave now. We are able to visit on the weekends and share in celebrations. But despite what one might assume, it is fairly one-sided. My parents do not like to drive 1 hour from home, so I go to them. I guess what I am trying to say is that while I know am experiencing the benefits of being close, they are not quite as numerous as I believed before being up here.
I wish I had something more positive to say about raising the children far from family. I know how hard it can be. It can be lonely, and you feel like something is missing. So while I have no advice, I can say I get it.
Well I hope worrying means that!! That makes me feel much better! Thanks for your kind words.
DeleteHi Kate! Wow what a terrible friend I have been, I join your blog and then disappear for three weeks lol. I am over my little bloggy break now and hoping to get caught with everyone. I couldn't wait to pop over to visit you! And I am so glad I did. You must know how very alike our circumstances are!
ReplyDeleteWe too live a long way from family and do so because of my husband's work. I have a feeling even if they were close it wouldn't be the way I would like it to be anyway, you know, the way we see it all portrayed in the movies? But that's a whole other blog post! Dropping the kids off at their grandparents has never been an option for us :(
I know exactly how you feel, it can be very lonely not having that network of support, people to share your children with, sleep overs with cousins or big dinners and get togethers. Everything you wrote I can relate to, so I know where you are coming from. It's hard, having no time out, no time to just be a couple and have date nights...
Like you guys, we are playing every role for our children, we don't call upon others to help us unless it is absolutely necessary and I know my good friends would be there for me if I just asked.
I often feel the way you described here in this post, overwhelmed, afraid of failing, of not doing enough. Some days I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing lol and no one to turn to for advice but somehow I think my kids are alright ;) They know I am not perfect, but I always communicate with them and always love them no matter what, and they know this.
I do get envious of other people who seem to have it all, unfortunately this is the hand we've been dealt and there is nothing I can do about it. Thank goodness for this blogging community!!!
I wondered where you were...I sometimes need a break too. I do think communicating is key. I often tell my kids I never been a mom before and I will make mistakes, but I always apologize, or offer up explanations as to why I do what I do. Yes, I love the blogging community too, lots of support out there! Thanks for commenting.
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